THE PERFECT WORD

What is the word that you think signifies the word, perfect??

well. i had completely no idea what word i would think suit closely or closely resembling the word, perfect.

#NOWPLAYING- Secrets, One Republic

I love the sound of the strings on the violin and the thugging of guitar strings, and something about humming or a repeating harmony. If that could sum up into a word, i would say its perfect.

I guess perfect things are the ones that brings you calmness? I might say the taste of coffee , perfect, the taste every person would lose themselves in. I could say the Killers and Brandon Flower’s voice is perfect, or the moves Channing Tatum make is perfect. Then it all came into a conclusion that, another word close to perfect doesn’t exist. Watching the sunset is perfect, as well…… Or i could manage to see the glacier lights at North Pole , then i guess my life is perfect.

Before i make a bucket list of what i wanted to do before i die… i might as well update you readers on what i had been up to recently.

Well, honestly?

Ok, i wont say anything cheesy that something magical or really really interesting things happened within the few months of my hiatus, cos honetly i dont know what i should write about. nothing special had happen, but as for the amount of sufferings i had been through? TONS. i dont even know where to begin but, i might choose not to even say a single word about the mishaps and, just let bygones be bygones and , i would just hope time can cure everything but thank god i survivied without strangling myself. Or plunging myself with dangerous absurd actions hurting myself.

 

Thank god survived. I thank god everyday for bringing me the few people in my life that adore me and adore the devil inside me, as well as accepting my flaws, and my good points…..

i think i found a word i can say about these few months of hiatus.

NUMB.

I barely feel any emotion running thru my thoughts, but just plain white of numbness of not knowing what to do next. The adrenaline i used to have in planning things ahead or the giddy little girl inside me filled with hopes and dreams… or believing that anything can happen by wishing upon a star had gone.

Gone.

Thanks to numbess.. i barely even recognize the me i was, until now, exactly 2:06am , April 12th, i finally told myself, that i should, find back the old me. Looking thru my previous blog posts, i felt so dumb and just, gosh it just so wasn’t me. Dwelling on all the negative thoughts with not even the slightest positive comments. I am just, tired i think about everything that happen lately… and how the people i met are the ones i would be gladly kill, if only i plan to go to jail But . i felt sorry for the person i was and how my body can carry that distress soul inside my empty vessel , lost in transition.

I felt as if i was lost in somewhere dark beneath my thoughts. Thanks to reality and those treacherous basterds, i lost myself. Halfway through there, God realized and decided to give me a really really painful stab on the back, exactly brutally honest and made me realized the real demons i am dealing with. It wasn’t those group of assholes, it was actually me.

God is telling me that i am the one, i should be dealing, else- i would definitely say goodbye to the person i was before. You see the funny thing of  God is that he always chooses the hard way of exposing the truth. But, thank you God i really treasure your kindness, and … i will change, but, it might take time, not as fast as the bullet train, but still… it takes time to heal and eventually get back on both of my feet once more. …

#NOWPLAYING- A thousand years

Something soothing finally, *hah, i should prolly get some sleep but no, my fingers cant stop hitting hard on the keyboard, no i have to say more, the need to splurge all my emotions into words, feel so much better than crying myself a river that… makes my eyes look like a dead goldfish found dead after a few weeks…. *how bloated i can be* anyways…. i will just say that, nope, i am not as perfect as you can see in my pictures, the girl smiling back into the camera and stuff, i should say that is the best shield i can put on, okay? smiling … seems deceiving but, still, it brings out the best of me, so i might as well lie the whole world that i am living in a perfect world with… which is, untrue,…..

ugh what am i saying now i cant even understand, but … still. I dont know whether, the road i am moving towards to, the path that i had always wanted, it’s like this critical decision whn you decide to turn right or left, or to the path of the unknown where u meet your wildest dreams or your most bewildred desires, yet. all of those, are very very vague, i clearly am still lost. \

it’s like having this reflection of yourself in the mirror yet you cant even tell is it you? or. put it into a even simpler way of saying, is that, AM I THE PERSON I WANTED MYSELF TO BE?

AM I THE PERSON I THINK I WAS??

AM I THE PERSON I DREAMT TO BE AS A CHILD

AM I ?

…

no

not now .

surely the me right now is the worst, worst image ever, to be reflected upon.

I wonder if i fast forwarded myself into another say 10 years, no, too far. wait, 5 years, after i finish my degree, i guess i cant imagine myself living the life i wanted, having the best thoughts, i guess. ugh.

stop with the guesses already.

please.

get hold of yourself

*yawns

ok . bedtime.

lights off.

x