Now I see daylight:-
I walked towards the light, I forgave myself. Now I see daylight, and it's golden. It's not in shades of grey and blue hues, but it's golden.
There were nights, where I doubted myself, there were nights, memories flooding and barging in. It was one of the most terrible months of my life. Been telling myself that this is my own fight, and no one will walk down this path with me, but myself. Soon, you'll get better. One day, you'll realise, that you can love someone so much and still, lose them without even realizing it. One day, you'll realise, that you deserve to put yourself first, and it's okay, to be selfish.
Who could stay in your life? Who is going to show up and leave after a while? The longing questions running in your head, "Can you stay forever?," "Can we be like this forever?" I doubt so.
Last night, I turned on Netflix and found a new movie called "The Half of It", where the movie started off by quoting 500 day(s) of Summer, by saying:
"This is not a love story", that was when I know it might be something that might surprise me. And I wasn't wrong. It's about a coming of age movie about a small town where 3 teenagers, the central characters are interpreting their own, meaning of love.
What is love to you actually? Love, to me, is actually plain simple, you either love them, or you just don't. Love is selfless, love is always forgiving, love is also pain, sacrifices, and new beginnings. Love is also about knowing yourself and understanding that you deserved better. That was when it hit me, that never would I imagine a day that I can actually feel, fine.
I, feel happy and fine. Yes, I've said it. I, Venetia Wong, couldn't be happier that I am walking out of it alive. If you must know, I wasn't in a very good place ever since February last year where I packed my bags, kept all my emotions into a deep space in my head, and chin up ready to face a whole new life in a city I once was familiar of. It was exciting, a new beginning that I must go through. I hated the silence, I hated the loneliness and quietness of living alone. The demons I feared came haunting me at night, and the shadows of anxiety were lurking in every corner of the room. Sooner I realised, I was drowning in a sea, a sea of thoughts, painful memories and there is nothing, and no one was there to pull me up the shore.
The movie quoted a few great authors in dictating the philosophy of love, one resonated with me:
“When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving one's self, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.”
So, I guess that's what make love, so great. We ended up deceiving the person we love, and eventually the world but we know, turning ourselves into someone we don't know. Slowly becoming more of like your other half, or even, trying to be someone that you're not. It's not wrong in changing who you are, it's only wrong when you're not happy. One could always compromise, one could always be devoted to becoming a better person, a better father, a better son, a better friend, or still a better husband. If that change is what makes you happy, why not?
The only caveat is this, is, your partner willing to change as well? Or, is he stuck to his old ways, and are the both of you, on the same page?
I once told myself I crave a love so deep, that the ocean would be jealous. But where did I go from there? Where did I end up? Washed onto the shore, dripping wet, desperate to find somewhere I belong. Now, all I wanted, all I will ever want, is just a simple love, someone who will always be there whenever I needed them, a constant in my life, accepting me for who I am, or who I was, and knowing that we would have something stable in the future.
Sounds so simple, right? Yet, unattainable.
Till then, I'll just continue loving myself, because quoting Wilde, "never love anybody that treats you like you're ordinary."
X, Venetia
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