fml

I never liked the word fml. in fact idk why i m using this word at the moment. and i m not afraid to tell you that i’ve tried killing myself several times. and ive been thinking of that thought almost every second of the day. every minute every second and now, the moment i m typing this. and why would i do that? life seems to be harsh. very harsh i mean. god put me in a kind of situation until i cant breathe. theres never a moment i can give a halt to every thing in life. sometimes i stayed up late, thinking and thinking, have a lot of thoughts all jumbled up. i like looking for movies or any chick flick rom coms to make me feel better. but it doesnt. it might, for several days, but, i never find an aid to mend my fucked up life. yess. i tried being positive. i tried talking to jesus. but , none of them worked. i tried reaching out to my friends. but , they arent that much of a big help. i had insomnia, and i slept late and woke up late the next morning. the moment i wake up, i wanted to might as well die in the spot. i dont want everyday to start. i hate mornings. i hate the evenings. most of all i think i hate life. yes i can be hyper in front of my friends. what you see isnt what you know. i might be okay whenever u talk to me. but whenever everyones not looking at me, i might be the saddest and most miserable person in the world. my mom, first of all, never , really understands my problem,she had a successful career, with her handphone beeping all of the time, she never REALLY LISTENS to whatever i m facing. and i told HER ALL THE TIME. but . in the end of the day she asked me, WHY ARENT U HAPPY.

okay. fuck her. really. like, fuck. i told her that i m tired of all of this. the whole REACH OUT WHEN U NEED HELP thing sucks. i might be fortunate to have a family or having friendss and food and water and shelter. but i do understand why people end their lives.

they reached out..

but. there wasnt anyone.

well. my best friend, left me.

i had friends, in fact a whole lot of them bt most of the time. i m lonely. i dont feel like i belong to the crowd. yes. i laughed but whatever shit i m inside? i joke, but i dont like the way i joke when im already too miserable to ‘joke’.

my ex hated me for already 2 years, and i dont even know the reasons. my social life dropped from miss popularity into, a bitch. okay. or….. i havent been flirting in , a year. that makes me a NERD.  i read , to make myself happy.

at least reading gives me a peace of mind, and maybe reading makes me know why i am and what i m capable of.

whenever theres a happy moment, theres always something there to ruin it. its always like that. i mean. why . isnt life suppose to be wonderful? okay yes, i need to suck it all up and move on. yes. people move on. people dont really see ur scars and what they care of is themselves. not us. we wont be the miserable one forever. telling someone how miserable you are wont help it.

the thing is. i m sick of it. i m tired. i really am. why am i typing this? its because nobody knows me. my best friend dont wanna pick up my call. who can i turn to ? the counsellor?

my mom? no .

my dad? maybe. but , still no.

my friendS?

no .

now all i have is myself.

maybe i can make it through at the end of the day

but . i know , it’s never gonna be okay. maybe i m in a typical teenager life. and teenagers do have, issues. maybe i m the unlucky one. sometimes i wonder why. and why. those people out there are so shiny like they never been through this shit hole. they dressed well. they eat well. they lived a high profile life. i want to be part of them. at least thats what i used to be, BEFORE. but what about now? what about the future?

damn. i m so intimidated of tomorrow. i dont want tomorrow to come. …

fuck.