INFATUATION- A short story

It all started one night, when tears are rolling down on her cheeks, she stared above the ceiling with thoughts lingering. “Where can I go from here?” She questioned herself over and over again.

“I had thought this through, yes, I can do it.”

Finally, she sat up on her bed, wiping off the tear streaks off with a determined look on her face. After taking a deep breath, she has decided to pick up the phone and do something beneficial for herself.

The phone screen lights up in the dark, lighting up her senses, bringing herself more courage to finally send that text. Her fingers, trembling. Trying to calm herself down, she slowly moves her fingers to the screen and begin typing the very first line of the text message.

Moving her thumbs slowly towards the keys on the screen, she knew there is no going back after sending the very text. Deep down she knows it is for her own good, she knows, she will be better off without him one day.

With all great love stories, there will always be sacrifices. Betty knows this all too well but how could someone even be rational when they are in love?

Love and infatuation are two very different things. One universal problem faced by most of the women population- confused between the two, going back and forth into thinking that everyone they meet are the one.

Truth is, I don’t believe in meeting – the one. Or maybe I do, it’s just because I haven’t met him yet.

-          To be continued

Daylight

Now I see daylight:-

             I walked towards the light, I forgave myself. Now I see daylight, and it's golden. It's not in shades of grey and blue hues, but it's golden. 

             There were nights, where I doubted myself, there were nights, memories flooding and barging in. It was one of the most terrible months of my life. Been telling myself that this is my own fight, and no one will walk down this path with me, but myself. Soon, you'll get better. One day, you'll realise, that you can love someone so much and still, lose them without even realizing it. One day, you'll realise, that you deserve to put yourself first, and it's okay, to be selfish. 

            Who could stay in your life? Who is going to show up and leave after a while? The longing questions running in your head, "Can you stay forever?," "Can we be like this forever?" I doubt so.

             Last night, I turned on Netflix and found a new movie called "The Half of It", where the movie started off by quoting 500 day(s) of Summer, by saying:

             "This is not a love story", that was when I know it might be something that might surprise me. And I wasn't wrong. It's about a coming of age movie about a small town where 3 teenagers, the central characters are interpreting their own, meaning of love. 

             What is love to you actually? Love, to me, is actually plain simple, you either love them, or you just don't. Love is selfless, love is always forgiving, love is also pain, sacrifices, and new beginnings. Love is also about knowing yourself and understanding that you deserved better. That was when it hit me, that never would I imagine a day that I can actually feel, fine. 

              I, feel happy and fine. Yes, I've said it. I, Venetia Wong, couldn't be happier that I am walking out of it alive. If you must know, I wasn't in a very good place ever since February last year where I packed my bags, kept all my emotions into a deep space in my head, and chin up ready to face a whole new life in a city I once was familiar of. It was exciting, a new beginning that I must go through. I hated the silence, I hated the loneliness and quietness of living alone. The demons I feared came haunting me at night, and the shadows of anxiety were lurking in every corner of the room. Sooner I realised, I was drowning in a sea, a sea of thoughts, painful memories and there is nothing, and no one was there to pull me up the shore. 

             The movie quoted a few great authors in dictating the philosophy of love, one resonated with me: 

“When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving one's self, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.”

              So, I guess that's what make love, so great. We ended up deceiving the person we love, and eventually the world but we know, turning ourselves into someone we don't know. Slowly becoming more of like your other half, or even, trying to be someone that you're not. It's not wrong in changing who you are, it's only wrong when you're not happy. One could always compromise, one could always be devoted to becoming a better person, a better father, a better son, a better friend, or still a better husband. If that change is what makes you happy, why not?

             The only caveat is this, is, your partner willing to change as well? Or, is he stuck to his old ways, and are the both of you, on the same page? 

              I once told myself I crave a love so deep, that the ocean would be jealous. But where did I go from there? Where did I end up? Washed onto the shore, dripping wet, desperate to find somewhere I belong.  Now, all I wanted, all I will ever want, is just a simple love, someone who will always be there whenever I needed them, a constant in my life, accepting me for who I am, or who I was, and knowing that we would have something stable in the future. 

              Sounds so simple, right? Yet, unattainable. 

Till then, I'll just continue loving myself, because quoting Wilde, "never love anybody that treats you like you're ordinary." 

X, Venetia 

            

Recently

Couldn't believe that time could ever pass by us so quickly.

If this was 5 years ago, I wouldn't believe that I will be in this state, or ever be in the place I am right now.

I guess one of the worst things that happen in our life teaches us the hardest lessons.

& the hardest lessons make us learn the most.

I have been through a pre-quarter life crisis, I have been set on a rollercoaster bringing me in full circle and to realise so many things.

Realizing that life could be amazing if you learn how to dance in the rain.

Yup, life is about singing in the rain and be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

You have been strong. 

You will endure this.

You will make something out of this life.

X,

Venetia

FEB 30TH

do you believe in a parallel universe?

days change, hours past, there isn’t a second for us to even capture and grab hold of our destiny. perhaps, there’s a place where time can stop, everything seemingly perfect and it’s all in order, and perhaps even better than the world we live in. Do you believe that there is another you, in just another universe, with the same look as yours, but living in a total different life as yours
?

Tired of your life, tired of everything that has been going around you, everything never falls in place, it just goes the other way round u wish it could be. Reality can be harsh, but , somehow in another parallel universe, the you there is living a happy life. A life without worries, a life, unlike, the life you are living now. Jonathan Swiss in Gulliver’s Travels or, even we could travel into Elfland, according to Norse Mythology, which one will finds himself ending up at a sacred of secret hideout nobody knows, where he had went on a dangerous venture and suddenly arrives at a land of unknown

&

for me

I do, believe in a parallel universe.

Where, I could still be with the one I love, the both of us, could still be couples like before, but not couples in real life, just in that universe, not earth, maybe, somewhere where the flowers keep blooming and the stars will shine even brighter than it was here. Someplace where, no one judges, someplace where we can just be whoever we are. Do things without even caring what people might think of you.

While, back in Earth, people misunderstands you, people judge you, people will hesitate on making the right choices. But i guess the US in the parallel universe, we might be happy, happier than we are, here.

People can be rude and judgemental, when it comes to relationships, people will laugh at the hopeless romantic people, judging and waiting for them to break up, or waiting to see how weak that relationship was. To me, i used to be the one easily affected by what people might say, which isn’t really a good thing in my past.

The me in that parallel universe won’t be judged, the you , won’t be so hurt by my actions.

But I am glad the you in earth found someone you love dearly and, the me is alone, but I don’t feel lonely. I feel happy to still be able to breathe and work hard towards my goals, maybe I don’t have a boyfriend, but that doesn’t mean I had to be deeply depressed, since, there are so many things you can do, alone as well. Alone time with a cup of coffee and jamming to your favourite playlists nobody will judge, or even watching at your favourite movies, alone and thinking bout how life would be, if you found your other half.

My ideal relationship wouldn’t be about extravagant gifts, but more on everyday basis, where our relationship can be like best friends, a shoulder to lie on, and a listener where i can rant about my daily stuff or someone who can be as crazy as I am/// someone who will understand the decisions i took and support it// someone. that perhaps, will accept my flaws,and how i look without makeup someday, someone who can stand my tantrums and still fight and make up on the same day… who just, will , be there, forever/

We can’t possibly live for 100 years, but for sure, to find someone who can spend the rest of your lives, or for half of a century, should be enough, that person may not be the most handsome guy, but , i believe someday my knight in shining armour will come. and reach out to me, and tell me that everything will be okay, despite my past, and bring me on his horse, together, we ride towards the future.

The future might not be known, but at least, we know, that we have each other.

 

Perhaps, we don’t need to be in a parallel universe, but we just had to be strong in facing reality, and , be the best we can, every single day.

X

somebody you used to know

Will I ever achieve the dreams beyond my heart’s desire?

Things like these don’

amazed

song of the day- Shine by Shannon Noll

so sorry for not updating my blog, which is been like a dessert. nothing but dust. *blows dust away*

doing a bit spring clean… by updating it, nope i am too laaaaazy to change the layout, and i think i even forgotten how to really change the layout.. oh well.

If you are reading this, i am glad you do cus i dont reaally get any loyalty readers out there, which makes me wonder why should i be even posting this.. but i still wanted to write, things on my mind, which i thought i should share? Besides writing essays for my exams or any facebook statuses, i wanted to express more of it, besides just, you know, posting simple things. Writing makes me free. Free from the world, free from everything out there. I like spending days with coffee and writing about things i feel, however, lately my studies has been taking it’s toll on me. i never felt so stressed or pressurized in my life before, like ever, not SPM but, this i am dealing pretty much affects my future, like what Uni or what course i would want to pursue.

Just a bit of thought i am sharing….

Music had been a big part of my life. I guess there isn’t anyone out there who doesn’t like music… I never stop listening to music, even if i am happy or sad, there will always be something for me to tune in. i don’t judge people’s music tastes because there are so many range of music out there to suit each and everyone… so i might as well share, what kind of music makes me, high? not that kind of high but what music makes me want to keep on listening listening and… replay.

Well first of all, most of you will know that i love The Killers, with Brandon Flower’s voice pulling me closer.. and closer. 

But i too like Coldplay, Linkin Park, Maroon 5, Backstreet Boys, Blink 182, the 1975, Mcfly, The Script, The all american rejects… Green Day… those kind too.

The very thing i look into a song, … is the rhythm behind, if the beat don’t suit me from the start, i would just skip it and stop listening, which is why i HATE. MOST OF THE SONGS IN HITZ.FM. I like songs starting with these low strums of guitar base…  or a really good tune like Wake me up when september ends? Or some piano prelude that starts before they sing? Idk it’s just that one two seconds that decides… 

Dont judge. i listen to REDFM, the less, mainstream ones. I guess the underlying principle behind a GOOD SONG, is that, it doesn’t get outdated easily and withstands the sands of time. For example, ABBA , Mariah Carey’s Hero, or any song from Backstreet Boys, you just could listen to it at any time, not like some, EDM beats that people would simply forget it after they fall out from the Billboard. The billboard 100 keeps changing and yes Rude can me number 1 but it might not in another month.. it’s not that i am saying RUDE is not a good song it’s just, it’s not what i look into a song. Yes it might be catchy but i dont find catchy in my list of musics.

The second will be the voice of the singer. It’s not i am judgemental alright…. but most of my fave singers are .. Male leads. Lol, i really like the rusty kind , or the heartbroken voices of males makes you really feel them, and you know how it feels to be in their shoes, for example, Brandon Flowers in

Mr.Brightside – you feel that how he is being jealous and suspicious and always insecure…

and 1975’s Robbers- how the lead feels, about their love being like a robber and victim relationship how his girl robs his love, and tears him piece by piece…

Coldplay’s Yellow, how he relates his girl to stars…being yellow and bright,… it’s all so special and magical how songs can make you fly up in the sky..

James Blunt’s you’re beautiful- how he really thinks she’s the prettiest girl he has even seen. altho they don’t know each other…

Lonestar’s Amazed- That he felt so amazed about the girl and everytime he sees her he felt like his heart got choked out.

the third would definitely be.. the lyrics.

I hate. lyrics that are too….. overly stressing on sex, or anything dirty.. which is the main theme of club songs , which is the trend now,with really simple lyrics that made up with the catchy beats and .. really mindless composers thinking nothing about sex. i mean it’s okay to be … thinking of that but please. dont make it too, desperate asking for sex and looking at every damn hot girl or whatever booty … just. omg. I am sorry for those who likes these upbeats of songs but it’s not my cup of tea. which is why

I find it so hard for people out there to share the same kinds of music tastes with me. I dont like MOST, edms……. the only edms i like are the ones with people singing inside. Lol like ARMIN’S- this is what it feels like, or DASH BERLIN’s Steal you away, and.. some from Calvin Harris, David guetta’s one of my faves, with SIA in Titanium and Usher in Without You….hmm lemme see and yes, Zedd with people singing…. (but not the one with that Hailey or what-) , Tiesto. Lol

I want lyrics that are true.

Bottom line is, I don’t hate. songs in the radio now it’s just that those, won’t usually be in my playlist. Guess i am more of a sentimental person i prefer movies, dramas, books and even songs from the past, the longer the better, the less modernized it is and how not autotuned they are. it’s just RAW, raw music with no computer aid. I just want something historical but NOT TOO PREHISTORIC, just, i want good vibes and not, stupid meaningless .. songs.

STAHP.

 

 

 

then again, the late night thoughts

Hello, nightcrawlers…

i cant find a way to tuck myself into bed at this moment, times like this make me ponder on life’s greatest questions and wonders. Then i will try to reflect it on myself, seeing whether am i the person i wanted to be, in the future or what

Like they say, growing up is a way of welcoming responsibilities and … knowing how harsh reality can be. And i am literally biting my fingers off to make myself feel calm when questions about the future came pounding on the door of my mind. Why should i be giving myself so much pressure?

But since we are still young, but i couldnt be sure whether if 19 is counted as young, cos look at all the young gymnasts out there already making their print in part of history. Am I sure i wanted to imprint myself on the world? Or should i just live life humbly like what Gandhi and Buddhism said, is to be humble and not too show-off. But, i think if everyone chose to live life in the simplest and safest way as possible, why will there be skyscrapers, why would there be so many indifferent and unique talents showcasing ?

What if, people limit themselves…. there is no reason why one should limit themselves. Speaking of which… why am i limiting myself?

it’s like life is a 50 50 thing, it just matters on how much would u wanna fill up the chances of 50 50. If someone only invests 10 percent, they would only gain back the 10 percent, I am not a faith believer in luck or miracles, yes i might sound too realistic but it’s true . Since young i held a basis of thought that, only having full preparation for school exams, only then i can count myself as LUCKY because i had already built myself a foundation in order.. to reach the thing we all called LUCK.

Now I am only left with so little time to deal with studies and friends, and i feel so messed up and the hours in a day are not even enough.

What should i do?

TROUBLED, x